I understand why my father took me away.
 
  Going home, for most people, is a warm word. But for me, it is a sensitive word. I don't want to talk about my family, just like people who are running away are not willing to look back.
 
  As a 24-year-old student, I have been away from home for eight years. In the past eight years, I have traveled to various cities to study, work, visit relatives, and used a train ticket to pick up a whole box. In the first three years, I returned home twice a year during the winter and summer vacations. I went to college and became an annual, and since I was ousted by my father two years ago, I have never returned.
 
  On the New Year's Eve in 2014, I dragged my heavy suitcase and carried a heavy guitar. I took a train, went to a strange city, and saw my sister who had just given birth.
 
  Time returned to a day in August 1992, and the story begins on the day the parents forget my birthday.
 
  I was born into an ordinary rural family with many disasters. My parents finally ushered in a son in the third child. I couldn’t help myself, and then I accidentally made me unexpected. I became this poor family. The fourth child, along with huge fines and parenting costs.
 
  After my full moon, my father gave me a coal boss in the neighboring county until I was shocked by the grandmother in Hunan. The old man’s lips were dry and dissuaded, and I was asked to go back. And "rich second generation" identity pass me, since the beginning of the twists and turns of the children of a poor family struggling history.
 
  In my small impression, my family is always full of countless times of quarrels and endless resentment, dropping out of school, leaving, missing, turning against, divorce, suicide... The short old house looks from the outside Unremarkable, when the door is closed, who knows how many things have happened to me.
 
  If the unfortunate family has its own misfortunes, then my family should be the most complicated sample, so that I can't explain how it has faded down to this point. Today, a family of six is ​​scattered all over the place, each of whom lives an unsatisfactory life, and has little contact with each other. It is not seen a few times a year, even if it is only one or two hours apart. Since the big sister married with the shabby dowry eight years ago, our family has never gathered together once again, and the number of people returning home in the New Year is less than one year.
 
  They are like a broken butterfly, fleeing from the countryside one by one, fleeing this riddled home and fleeing from the violent and ignorant father. In the end, when I was with my father, he was tired of the feeling of being abandoned, so he personally drove me away and told me to be like them, never to come back. At that time, I was addicted to sorrow and could not understand. Maybe my father didn't need me, but needed a complete home.
 
  In fact, I don't often think of the picture of the big winter when I walked out of the house barefoot, even though I was crying so desperately at that time, even though I suddenly understood the decision that my mother wanted to die.
 
  When the mother does not drink pesticides, she is living seriously and living harder than anyone else. She works hard, and her life is frugal. Even if a person lives in a cheap room of less than 20 square meters, she can still look very decent. Leaving the man she once relied on, she can be self-reliant and even bear the expenses of several children.
 
  She and her father carried us secretly to get a divorce certificate, but they did not hide it. I was unintentionally turned over, and there was an old marriage certificate. These two seemingly similar red books are such a rough summary of the marriage years from the youth to the age of nearly 30 years. I was amazed at my calmness, then silently put it back, not to mention it.
 
  After the divorce, the place where the mother of the New Year is the year of the year is the most troublesome thing for us. She has already resigned from her job, and she is full-time to help her two sisters to bring children. But the second sister has to go back to her husband’s house for the New Year with her brother-in-law, and she can’t bear to leave her mother alone. Then she tries to ask if she should buy her a ticket back to Hunan. The mother should only have a sentence. : Don't worry about it first. If I stayed a few years ago, my mother would definitely agree, because even I could see that she didn't want to go back all the time and returned to the hometown that carried her many childhood memories. But when she dragged her house, she did not dare to spend money.
 
  In 2013, my aunt was 60 years old. I went back with my mother and felt the embarrassment and separation of people's affairs for many years. The local accent has been changed, and people are like passengers. After that, my mother never mentioned anything back to Hunan. When her grandmother was still alive, she was unable to go back and see; when her grandmother left, she took away her last home that she could return.
 
  Many young people who are swaying outside are fearless because they know that no matter how far they go, there is a place to go back. But in reality, not every wanderer has an endless hometown. Not every leaf can be returned to the roots. Not every house is warm and strong enough to withstand the wind and rain.
 
  Going home in 2012, I found a crack in my home's house, and the neighbor's house has collapsed. I began to worry, and I took the courage to discuss with my father: Otherwise, go out and rent a house! The father made a big eye: Is it too much money? - But this house can't live. My father was silent for a long time, and his tone was difficult to say gently: I will wait for you to come back and give me a new house. I am speechless.
 
  Before the Spring Festival every year, there are always different people asking me why I don’t go home. I can find 10,000 excuses to perfuse the past, and my heart can't escape this problem. I have left in such a fierce way, how can I go back without incident? I haven't found a way to shake hands with the past. What can I change when I go back?
 
  I can only work harder.
 
  Maybe one day I am strong enough to have the ability to be happy, I will go back, pick up the tiles that have been broken, rebuild a house, and prop up the vicissitudes of the family. I know that this day will come, even in the most difficult times, I have never doubted it.
 
  This year, my mother is in Huizhou, my eldest sister is in Foshan, the second sister is in Shantou, and my third brother is in Guangzhou. My father still stays in his hometown. I don't know where the Spring Festival is going. They didn't ask me. The Chinese New Year did not discuss the issue of going home. It has become a tacit understanding between us. I decided to stay in school to write my thesis. The dining hall is very supportive, especially for students who stay in school.
 
  However, the outside rice is delicious again, and I also miss the wine-making that I shared with my family on the winter night many years ago. At that time, a table of hot dishes, six pairs of tableware, family sitting around, the lights are amiable.
 
  This article first appeared in the Southern Weekend, micro signal: nanfangzhoumo