I grew up in a poor mountain village with a patriarchal attitude. Carrying a heavy psychological burden from the countryside to the city, from China to the world. When I was in my 30s, I became the single mother of the two children. After experiencing countless bumps in my life, I lived in San Francisco in the United States and realized some truths before I truly recognized myself from the bottom of my heart. Behind the ups and downs of life is the rise of self-awareness and the awakening of love.
  1, a gray childhood
  I was born in 1980. Before entering the city at the age of 16, most of the time spent in the small mountain village at the foot of the mountain. These red brick houses were built in the early 1990s when the coastal economic reforms blew through the small villages. Earlier, it was the time before my teens, all gray and gray tiles.
  Many memories of childhood are also dark grayish black.
  In the rural areas at that time, every household planted rice, and it must be planted. Because it is an agricultural hukou, it is necessary to pay the agricultural tax free of charge to the country: the total output of 1 mu of land is about 1,000 kg, and the tax of 100 kg of rice is required. In the era when goods are not freely circulated, every year, taking our family as an example, after paying taxes, one or two months a year is not eaten. How to do it? Borrow to the neighbors and replace the staple food with sweet potatoes, corn and other miscellaneous grains. In the age of lack of supplies, people cherish food more. When I was young, if I had to eat and throw the rice grains on the table, I would even start with chopsticks. Every household has chickens and ducks. If a family loses a chicken, the owner of the chicken screams from the head of the village to the end of the village: "The rotten belly is licking the head, and the short coffin steals my chicken...".
  Our village is in a hilly area, and rice fields are scattered throughout the gradient valley. Water needs to be irrigated throughout the growing season of rice. Beside all the rice fields, there must be a channel for running water. In the year when there is sufficient rain, there is water in the channel. In the case of drought, nearby reservoirs are regularly opened to replenish water. With the gradient on the terrain, there must be uneven distribution of water resources. When I was young, I saw that the villagers had fought for the limited water resources and waved their wooden sticks. When fighting, the man came on the stage and the woman stepped back. The rice is a huge project that is interlocking: sowing in the field, weeding and weeding, spreading the fertilizer, harvesting and drying, and picking it up. There must be a good harvest, and one cannot fail. Every link is a great manual effort. And all this, the man is the top leader in the charge.
  Male, in the agricultural society, is indeed the biggest capital that a family is proud of. Unfortunately, women are pushed behind the scenes, and there is widespread disdain and disregard for women in the countryside.
  There are only a few dozen families in our village. When I was young, I played with my age. There are almost ten boys and three other girls in the village. The last word of the three girls’ names is Ping, and each Ping has a younger brother. I heard that (I hope only heard about it), many girls were sent away when they were born, or they were buried directly under the tree. Every woman in the village who has a son has a big voice. My grandmother is also very big, she has three sons. My uncle has three daughters, and Erbo has a son after having a daughter. After my parents gave birth to my daughter, family planning began to be implemented, but they wanted to have a second child in Tibet, and the second child was a younger sister. When I was very young, I knew that my brother was the most popular with his grandmother because he had chickens. I also want to be pampered, and I want to have a chicken, so I learned that the boy stood up and peeed, thinking that I could grow up one day, and the result was just wet my pants.
  When the farm is busy, the lack of men in the house to do the work in the field, the woman has to follow the field. Since the age of 8, I have helped my family to work in the fields. The rice fields in the valley are not the imaginary landscapes. In the rice fields, as long as there is water, there is a kind of soft creature called grasshopper or otter. This is a slippery metamorphosis vampire. It can creep into the human leg without any sound, and when the person is unaware, the blood is sucked until the flat body becomes a round ball. The wounds that have been sucked by the grasshoppers will always have blood flow, and even the swelling of the pus and the pus will become rotten sores, which is not good for several weeks. Once I bent over, I took the sickle and cut the rice. I looked down and saw the right leg's trousers turn red. I rolled up my trouser legs and a rounded grasshopper fell after I was full of blood. In an instant, I cocked the goosebumps all over my body, crashing and screaming like crazy, three steps and jumping to the shore in two steps, watching the bloody calves, crying and begging my parents not to let me down. For a long time, I have an inexplicable fear and disgust on the linear animals that twisted and twisted.
  Every time I go to the field, my mom will say, you don't have to go to the field. But my dad will give me the task, and I must complete the work of a certain area before I can. My dad is the authority of the family. When I was young, I was afraid of him. My mom, I don’t know if I didn’t have a son. When I was young, I never heard that she had a big voice. Many times, she cooks and washes the dishes and sweeps the farm work. She is busy at home and keeps her head down and does not speak. It is also possible that she did not have the opportunity to speak, because everything in the family, basically my father and the owner have the final say.
  At the end of the rice field harvesting, my dad is a cane chair bamboo craftsman: 劈 bamboo, put the bamboo strip on the flame, bend it into the various parts of the chair, after the shelf is set up, use the plastic vine to weave some geometry in the gap. pattern. After my mom married my dad, I learned to do the work of weaving plastic vines. She is often jealous of my dad, her brain is stupid, her hands are not flexible, and the patterns she makes are not good. Sometimes my dad was angry, kicked my mother's chair down to the ground, took the knife and removed it, and repaired it myself. Even so, my mother still doesn't say anything, and turns to do other housework.
  This kind of atmosphere is extremely depressing to me as a child. And this repression, nowhere to say. Once around ten years old, just after the end of the year, my dad is yelling at my mother, and the neighbors are giggling outside the window. I picked up a piece of charcoal and wrote a few words on the white wall:
  Biejiale, my family is jealous.
  Then my mom and my dad, for the first time in my life, stared at me with scorn, and took turns asking: You want to come up with this kind of words, huh? What are you doing? Missing you to eat, are you wearing it? Our family is guilty of your death? ......
  From then on, all the dissatisfaction and pain in my heart are buried in my heart, and I can't say it with my parents. Because I said, I may be more humiliated and embarrassed. I know this very little, and it is the instinct to ensure survival and practice.
  My sister once was bullied by the little boy in the village and cried and went home. As a result, my dad licked his face and slammed his face. He said, "I told you to be so stupid? Others bully you, will not fight back, ah? Cry, still Cry? Cry again, I am killing you!" I hid behind the door and saw my sister wanting to cry and crying. Younger, full of a kind of anger against the younger sister, who is not steel Calling you so stupid! Our parents, unlike the parents of other people, will pull their children to seek justice when they see their children being bullied.
  Parents don't protect themselves, they can only rely on themselves. In the countryside, the boy’s attitude towards girls is the same as that of their parents, not to mention respect, but more likely to be a naked threat of force. When I was in elementary school, the school was two kilometers away from home. Every day I went to school on my way, and I had to pass a large green tea field away from people. One day, the road was stopped by five or six older boys. Several boys were laughing at each other and discussing who would go first: "Chick, come, play with the buddies!" Twenty-three years old, cold Look at them coldly. Seeing a boy, in the back of a snoring, his arms spread over. As I approached, I suddenly lifted my right foot and looked down at his crotch, and the Thunder was too late to kick. "Ah - fucking, rotten follicles..." The boy grabbed his lower body, licking his mouth, groaning, the boy behind him helped him, and looked at me in horror: we are joking with you, are you still serious? Going home that day, I am very calm to eat, and I go to bed. Oh, it’s the desperation in the depths of my heart.
  When I was a child, the only place I was proud of was that I was often praised by the elderly in the village. Although my grandmother is very fond of my brother, she also likes me. Because I am smart, my memory is very good. Every time I play mahjong, I sit next to her and help her to make suggestions, because I can remember what cards she played and what cards she played at home and next home. Almost every time, she can win. If you win the money, go to the only small shop in the village to buy a piece of cake or something as a reward. It was one of the happiest hours of my childhood. My grandmother is a safe haven when my dad is in a bad mood and I may suffer. Until the age of ten, Grandma passed away and was buried on a high hill. From then on, I often went to the grandmother's grave, sitting there and staring at the village under the hills, sitting for half a day. It should have been the vitality age of a young girl who is alive and kicking, but she likes to climb the mountain to sit on the grave all day, how heavy and desolate. All of this is buried deep in my heart.
  The only bright spot that is worthy of pride is also crushed and crushed with ruthlessness. Neighbors have an uncle, and they have three sons. Every time they come to my house to sit down, they are very ugly. They often make stupid remarks such as "Women don't have to read books, and they can have sons." I hate him, but because he is an elder, he has to make tea for him every time he comes. At the age of fourteen, he asked me to help him return a magazine to a young man named Guoping. Guoping lives in the village, and my family lives in the village. I ran back and went back. A few weeks later, the uncle was in a hurry to find a door: What book do I call you? Already still back? Where have you been? Guoping! what? You have a pig brain, I told you to return it to the guests! I took me to the village to find Guoping and found the magazine. On the way back from the village head to the end of the village, the uncle of the big 嗓 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不 不I don’t know how to pay more than one 8 cents. The world has such awkward things, Niang Xipi! (Note: Xiao warm Putou is a local dialect, a nickname for a little girl; Niang Xipi, Chiang Kai-shek in the TV series is not so horrible~). In the past, no one stood up and said something to the little girl, just looking up and down with the same contemptuous look. The feeling of being humiliated in public is just like the clothes being stunned by the streets. It’s unforgettable. In my young and sensitive mind, I’ve got a thorn in it deeply: even if I’ve been in the past twenty years, I still think of tears. whirling.
  Poor, is a wand of that era, pointing the heart to a suffocating corner. The mouth of the chicken and the skin can sometimes cause life. After being approved, I was so repressed that I came to the pond next to the village, thinking that I would jump straight down, or step by step to the depths. Anyway, they are all dead. If you die, you will die faster. I was thinking, I was walking around the water and slid around two grasshoppers. what! I screamed subconsciously. After thinking that the body has reached the water, there are countless grasshoppers who will swim and suck blood, which is harder than death. Forget it, don't jump. From a certain point of view, these little animals that once sucked my blood saved my life when I was young! That day I was kneeling in front of my grandmother's grave, crying a lot, crying and drying my tears, looking at the villages far away from the mountains and the blue mountains far away, my heart swears that one day I will leave this place.
  2, out of the jungle
  In the rural areas where resources are limited by day, in order to survive, everyone is rushing to compete for resources. Being a savage person is a powerful and powerful symbol. The villagers will only dare to speak out and dare not speak. No one dares to challenge the jungle rules of the weak meat. If I have been staying in that country, I think that I am also the fate of a peasant woman: I will marry a nearby town when I am less than 20 years old, do farm work, do housework, have children to take care of my family, I am tired and tired, and I have no words. right. But this is not the life I want! God does not arrange this for me.
  The initial fate change was to meet elementary and junior high school teachers. In the country, the corporal punishment and scolding of teachers to students is a strange phenomenon. No one will question whether it is right or not. I am very fortunate that my entire student career has not been treated with violence. When I was in the fourth grade of elementary school, a new language teacher, Mr. Qian, came. Qian teacher Wen Wenruya, cited the classics, lectures and fun, often let us laugh forward and fall back. He is well-informed and he organizes us to go to the spring wilderness every year. In the spring of the year, take a long-distance bus to lead us to Shaoxing City, Lanting, Donghu and Daling. For the first time to see the poor mountain village children in the city, the shock to the soul is huge. For me, he cultivated extra and often encouraged me to read extracurricular books. Every week I will be called to the office, practicing calligraphy, write essay , I am also very competitive and every game you have to take the first prize went to town. My Chinese characters are very beautiful, and they are the foundation laid at that time. I like reading books and I was encouraged by that time. In junior high school, English and math teachers were extraordinarily important to me. So far, I still remember the soft figure of the English teacher's long skirt. The math teacher encouraged us to teach ourselves to be "responsible for our own life."
  The first achievements and self-confidence in life come from the cultivation of teachers and the excellence of their own studies. This is a cornerstone that changes my destiny.
  Although my academics are outstanding, in my dad's eyes, there is still nothing. When he took 99 points and took the first place, he said: "There are still 100 points. What are you proud of?" If it wasn't the first place, it would be even worse: "Useless things, read a fart, Going home to farm!" Believe it or not, in the junior high school class, I took the first place all the way. At the age of 16, he was admitted to the local provincial key high school with the first place in the town. Since then, along the way to the university, to go to the Netherlands to study for a master's degree, to study in the United Kingdom, to be a postdoctoral fellow in the United States, on the road to academics to the extreme. No one knows that the motive behind the constant toss is just to prove himself, but to make up for the affirmation and approval that was missing when he was young. However, no matter how hard you try, there is always an empty black hole in your heart. It seems that you will never fill up.
  3, the road is rough
  The coldness and suffering encountered in my youth caused my innermost inferiority, rebellion and insecurity. On the other hand, academic achievements have made me very clear, and I don’t care about anyone.
  In my twenties, I was a contradictory body that seemed to be proud and weak inside. The lack of basic understanding of men has made me frustrated on the emotional path. At the time of the university, there were two short history of love. Every time I started, it was only the other boys who smiled and looked at me more in the crowd. A little sunshine thought I got a splendid world, such as Mu Chunfeng quickly fell into love. Every time, I tried hard, but I ended up inexplicably, not knowing where I was wrong. Emotional failure, using academic achievements to paralyze myself, I am still alone, hiding in my comfort zone and being self-righteous.
  The jungle society, which used to be a weak and strong food, grew up and could not help but win. Chat with friends, no matter what topic, you have to get the upper hand. It took me a long time to realize that it is difficult for people who are difficult to get along with to establish an intimate partnership. The first time I realized that my emotional intelligence was low, I was studying in the Netherlands. Not only because I met Jean-Paul, the Dutch mentor with the high emotional intelligence introduced in the previous writing article, but also the wise Wisdom Andres, there are many Dutch roommates and Chinese students who will continue to write articles in detail.
  When one person interacts with another, sometimes it is like this person standing in front of a mirror and seeing himself more clearly. Being able to recognize that it is only the starting point, from 0 to 1, to the establishment of ability, is a difficult long march.
  After the Netherlands, I went to the UK to study for a Ph.D. There, there were a few rotten peaches. Still, the other side used a few sly eyes, a few sweet words, I easily fell in. This time, I no longer stand still, began to carefully read the book to analyze my character, began to find friends and psychological counselors to discuss the construction of self-awareness and psychological boundaries. In the years when I was studying in the Netherlands, I saw that men in the society were polite, women were not humble, and they respected each other and loved each other. I started to learn to dress up and make up, and I felt like I was a little woman.
  Most of the parents in China are very wonderful: when they are young, they are forbidden to fall in love with each other to learn how to get along with the opposite sex. When they are in adulthood, they suddenly become anxious, and they encourage the seven aunts to succumb to the death. In the twinkling of an eye, I was still a person, and I became a highly educated woman in the eyes of people. When my relatives and friends rushed to marry, I met my ex-husband. The ex-husband came from the rural areas of the central provinces, and it is said that the women there did not eat at the table. Probably because of the resonance from the rural areas of the lower society, we soon got married and thought we were the right one. After marriage, I found out that the door is not the same thing: our three views are very different. I said that I want to be a person with spiritual freedom and wisdom. He said that I want to be a monopoly to travel around the world. I said that the business community should rely on cooperation with people to emphasize teamwork. He said that I can do things by myself. Hiring employees... It’s always quarreling, but I’m the angry person, he’s the one who doesn’t say anything, and we’re all replicas of my childhood parents, and the characters are changing. With the arrival of the children, the contradiction between us has retreated to the background. Soon, I took my children alone and went to work in the United States. Since then, the husband and wife have lived apart for more than three years. When the family’s US green card was approved for family reunion, the husband and wife have become strangers. Ok, their respective horizons.
  4, the awakening of love
  Many people say that maternal love is great, but no one has described the deep love and attachment of the baby to the mother. Originally, babies who can't talk will only be expressed in crying and body language. When I first came to the United States, the worm was less than one year old and could not speak. Going to work every morning, he will send a small hand to say goodbye. Going home from work, I can see his little head looking in front of the glass window. When I saw it, I began to cheer and dance. As soon as I got home, I laughed and rushed up to give me a bear hug. This feeling of being needed gives me an unparalleled sense of accomplishment every day. Now that the bug is four and a half years old, it is still such a habit, and there is another brother around.
  Living alone in a foreign country with a doll while working and living with her husband, it is inevitable that sometimes she will come. When I was crying alone, the bug ran over and asked: Mom, what's wrong? Are you OK? Do you want a hug? Stretch out my hand and cover my back, pat my back: Mom, It's gonna be OK. I am With you. When I am the most severe of the bug, I beat his ass. Every time he was beaten, he cried, opened his small hand and asked for a hug, and licked his shoulder to cover my neck. After a long time, he had forgotten the thing of being spanked, and he was happy to play. I learned from my children a life attitude: living in the present, not accumulating past garbage in my heart. It is also the warm love of the two little babies, melting the cold thorns that I planted in my heart, repairing the psychological trauma left by my childhood love, and the seeds of love begin to sprout in my heart.
  I have the ability to love in my heart, know how to respect my own energy and can not, I also reconciled with the past, and settled with all the sufferings of the past , including the villagers of the small village I was born, and my parents. After leaving home at the age of 16, I kept a distance from my parents for a long time. After coming to the United States, my parents took turns to come to the United States to take care of my children. My mother, a rural woman who even said bad things in Mandarin, dared to follow me to live in the United States and help me take care of Xiaowa. When she said that I was a baby, she didn't have milk, so my grandmother hugged me and went around to ask for milk. It was the mother of the village who raised me together. My dad is so proud of the big man, when I need someone to help, he also came to the United States. I remembered that when he was a child, he worked day and night to make bamboo chairs at home. In order to start school, I had to pay tuition. I remembered that when I was 16 years old, I was away from home for less than two weeks. He came to school with a half-burned duck to see me. When I think about studying in the Netherlands, I have to borrow money to help me make up the tuition. How can I forget that they love me so much.
  The small village at the foot of the mountain was also a beautiful place when I was a child. Every March, pear blossoms are apricot rain, swallows fly low, and water fish fat. I remember playing with three Ping, going to the channel to catch fish, going to the slope to pick the mulberry, and swinging in the bamboo forest. I think of a dozen crazy boys in the village, follow them to climb trees and watch the eggs, go down the river to dig mud, go up the mountain and pick wild fruits. There is also the next door grandfather, each time the meat is cooked and called: ice ice, come over to eat meat. (Note: Meat is a luxury of that era, ice is my nickname.) How can I forget that these are love.
  Thank God, the feeling of going from the shadow to the sun is so beautiful;
  Thanks to my own past, because all the past has made me today;
  Thanks to all the people who have appeared in my life, I love you!